Movies in afew lines

I got this idea the other night while talking to my friend Dan when making fun of a movie, and I'd been thinking about this, and I decided for the sake of comedy, I'd give this a go, because well, come on, who doesn't need a good laugh now and then..? I should state I do not dislike any of these movies, I just enjoy making fun of them..

300:
First you find out how dickish Sparrrrrrtans are when it comes to babies, then as you're dazzled by all the pit kicking, you all of a sudden realize how homoerotic their fighting gear is, you're then stuck watching them be bad ass in almost nothing before you realize you're the only straight man in the theater, only the blinded guy gets out alive.

Superman Returns:
Superman knocks up Lois, and instead of staying and being a dad, he runs off proving he's a deadbeat dad. He returns 5 years later, he finds that Lois is married to someone else and raising their son, who's apparently retarded. Instead of accepting this for the price of his dickery, he superstalks Lois by way of Xray Vision and Superhearing, then he goes and beats up Lex Luther again, you know cuz thats what he does to deal with his problems, Lois tells him there is no chance, he super invades her home, says good bye to the retarded son he just met, and flies off again, proving he is the worst super deadbeat dad ever. Superman is such a dick.

Aquamarine:
Go watch Splash!, its the exact same movie, except set in some seaside town in California full of pretty blonde jailbait girls that wear almost nothing, and afew cute boys for the cougars to pray on Dawson's Creek styley. Other then that its scene for scene the exact same movie as Splash!, just not as funny.

The Client:
This is the same crap that is in EVERY John Grishum book, so it makes sense that like everyone of his books is the same, every one of his movies would be too. Small time lawyer gets huge case, takes on huge law firm and wins, becomes instantly famous then goes back to his small time practice. Its the same shit EVERY book and movie, its like a mobius strip of boring lawyer crap.

The Incredible Hulk:
Once again, hollywood improperly handles the character of The Incredible Hulk by doing the whole Hulk vs. Thunderbolt Ross thing again almost exactly the same way, instead of doing say The Hulk vs. The Leader, or The Pantheon Saga, or even recently World War Hulk, and also, where in the hell is Rick Jones? Atleast it was better then Ang Li's version.

Transformers:
2 hours of awesome. Robots blow up shit for most of the movie in a way thats so cool you forget all the differences between these versions and every other version to date, even Suicidimus Prime doesn't seem to bother you at all cuz of all the awesome. Plus, remember everytime you watch Transformers, Uwe Boll dies alittle inside.

Disco Godfather:
My friend Dan kicking ass kung fu style to disco music while rocking his fresh to death disco wear and afro.

Cabin Fever:
5 moronic teens and shawn from boy meets world go out in the woods and catch some unknown form of flesh eating virus because they beat up a homeless man who was asking for their help to a hospital then lit him on fire he dies in the local water supply and gets them sick. Charlie Danials Band plays Devil Went Down To Georgia at the end after a really dumb nigger joke. As the credits role, you realize you've been prison raped for your money, your time and your dignity.

Weird Science:
Two nerds make Kelly LeBrock out of a barbie doll and what is apparently the most high tech home computer in 1984, which somehow also gave her superpowers that allow to her create things out of nothing and dress like a whore, and yet, they don't have sex with her, like any normal teenagers would do if they had Kelly LeBrock circa 1984 living in their bedroom. They end up with two quintessentially 80s girls they knew from high school instead, which makes you wonder why they even built Kelly LeBrock in the first place.

Irina Palm:
A grandmother who is played by former 1960s hotness Mary Anne Faithful needs to help her grandson get money for an operation that will save his life, so ofcourse the first thing she does is apply for a job in a glory hole in London, because thats what GMILFs apparently do in the UK when their grandkids need money, unless their chavs, then they just ask Pimp My Ride UK. She goes on to become the best handjob in the city and has no issue with it.

Petey Wheatstraw, The Devil's Son Inlaw:
The devil sends a player back to earth to have sex with my friend Rick's mom.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer:
Completely nothing at all like the tv series made from the movie, is notable for only two reasons, Kristie Swanson in a cheerleader suit the whole time, and as proof that even when he was moderately famous, Luke Perry still sucked at picking roles.

Killer Of Sheep:
The greatest movie you've never heard of and probably will never see, a perfect time stamp of 1977 Los Angeles area ghetto life. You will feel like you got kicked in the rocks with a bladed spy boot for missing it.

The Explorers:
Using a Tilt-O-World car, and a Tandy computer from 1985, a garbage can and some car glass, apparently are able to not only launch themselves into orbit, but control their piecemeal star ship into space where they encounter some aliens, the fat geeky kid that looks like Chip Chase from the old transformers cartoon but with out the wheelchair totally has tentacle sex with the female alien... 80s style.

The Last Starfighter:
This kid that lives at a trailer park his parents run is exploited for free labor, he spends his down time making out with his 80s style girlfriend and playing an old up right standing video game that seems alot like one of the star wars game for the atari, he beats it, then intergalactic Carl Maulden from The Intergalactic Streets of San Fransisco shows up and takes him off to offer him a job as a space fighter pilot, which he turns down for his exciting life fixing broken shit in a trailer park. The whole armada gets destroyed except for one ship, so Intergalactic Carl Maulden comes back and gets the kid to help save the universe, him and his lizard co-pilot take on an armada of like 15 ships and win, then they go to earth and the lizard dude totally hooks up with the trailer park's crazy old lady.

Always:
Richard Dreyfus and John Goodman (right off the first season of Roseanne), are crop dusters flying around in old world war two, when showing off one day for his girlfriend, Dreyfus' plane crashes fire and explodes, killing him, the rest of the movie is his ghost trying to tell his friends and loved ones how much he misses them before finally saving the life of his bestfriend and girlfriend and then going up to heaven. You know, kind of like that movie ghost, but with no pottery wheel scene and also 3 years before Ghost was made.

Barbwire:
Based on a comic book that was basically "hot chick with huge tits beating up people ans shooting alot of guns at people" into a movie thats basically hot chick in leather and corset shooting really big guns and stuff at people, but this time with Pam Anderson before she became a used up truckstop hoe.

Bloodrayne:
Uwe Boll uses german taxpayer money and a hot redhead vampire chick to shit all over not only a video game franchise with a fanatic fanbase, but the entire movie industry and movie going crowd as well.


and thats enough for now...


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Laz