Movies in afew lines Pt. 2

so after getting possitive feedback abou the last time I did this, I figured, with me having some free time, I'd do some more of these, you know, because I'm a sucker for a funny thing...

so... lets get to it..

Sugar Hill (1974)
Voodoo woman with a huge afro and her ghetto zombie army beat up Italian mobsters for trying to move into their turf all gangland style. This movie teaches us many things, 1) that all voodoo women have giant afros, that all zombies dress like they're in the video for thriller, and also that in the wild, the goomba and the zombie are natural enemies. So eat it Wild Kingdom for never teaching us this.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Of all the things this movie teaches us, like Michael Eisner's home phone number, and that Jessica Rabbit doesn't wear underwear, its greatest lesson is this; Betty Boop is horrible with money, she was the biggest animated star in the world in her day, and not even 10 years later in 1940 or so, she's working as waitress in some seedy club where rich men can go in the back and play patty cake with the whore that headlines the club every night. Betty Boop was the original MC Hammer, and also Jessica Rabbit is a whore and will play patty cake with anyone.

The Car

James Brolin is the sheirif in this moron filled town in california, one day, for no reason at all, this pimped out 1977 Lincoln shows up, and started to kill people, for no reason at all, Brolin, pissed about this, and about the downturn his career has taken, decides he needs to stop this car after it kills half the town and a french horn, a french horn that also, was his father! After all of this, and the complete decimation of his forces, and the death of his wife, who was too stupid to duck or even move 3 feet to the right when The Car defied gravity and drove right through a window 5 feet off the ground with no ramp to get her, Brolin decides to fight the car man to machine. After finding out the car doesn't have a driver, he tricks it into driving off a cliff, it makes a fireball shaped like a demonic head and yells in a demonic voice as it dies. Brolin gets up and walks off to go back to his life with all his friends, his wife, and that french horn that fathered him dead, no explanation is given as to why the car showed up or why it was a demon.

Can't Buy Me Love
A quintessentially 1980s nerd decides to use all his money he's made mowing laws all summer to basically buy the hottest girl in school for one month, or something, and though no one seems unsettled or alarmed that this girl basically prostituted herself to this guy for money to buy some really bad 1980s dress, as the movie goes you eventually find out that the two of them fall in love, because lets face it, as pretty woman tought us years later, hookers always fall in love with the guy that can afford to buy them for more then afew days at a time, because, you know, thats what happens in the real world too. They end by riding off into the sunset by the nerd's riding lawnmower, leaving us to wonder if she loves him, or the vibration of his lawnmower......... 80s style.

The Boy Who Could Fly
The guy that played Bug in the obscure John Candy comedy "Uncle Buck" is a mentally unstable mute kid who can fly, but no one knows it not even his drunk uncle who looks alot like Herman Munster if he had a drinking problem, he lives nextdoor to the girl that played Cammie in the equally obscure John Candy comedy "The Great Outdoors" and her brother who looks alot like Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years, the girl as happens in movies like this, falls in love with the quiet kid that can fly, because lets face it, she probably spend to much time watching superman 2, because thats what lonely kids in 1984 did, i think, her brother deals with his hate for life by burying his G.I Joe figures in the backyard, by the end he goes in the rain and cries like a girl while looking for where he buried Duke. End of the movie comes and the world finds out the quiet kid can fly, they all live happily ever after, oh and Jason Priestly is in it somewhere.


The In Crowd
This isn't your average teen thriller, unlike most movies where the popular kids who let the mentally unstable teen killer into their group are all in high school, this time they're just spoiled rich kids with no jobs. This movie is only of note for two reasons, the lesbian scenes between the mental girl and the girl that runs the popular kids, and also because its a rare appearance by Susan Ward, who is one of the most beautiful and unnoticed actresses around, as the head of the popular crowd.

The Legend of Billie Jean
This is NOT a movie about a girl named Billie Jean, who may or may not be someone's lover, or even the girl that someone says is the one. This is really one of the forgotten gems of the 1980s, its got supergirl and the voice of Lisa Simpson in it.

The Blair Witch Project
Three kids get lost in the woods of a state park in Maryland and are never seen again, but yet, their video cameras survive. Too bad no one told them the legend they were investigating was The Bell Witch which was neither in a national park or in Maryland, so they basically died for nothing. Stupid college kids, should have just watched "An American Haunting" instead, based on the same legend.

Swimfan
This is basically Fatal Attraction for the tween (I so fucking hate that term) crowd, it sucked more then most movies did in 2002, however it sucked less when it was redone afew years later as Cry_wolf, which was also a pretty shitty movie. Its the kind of film that makes you wish you could delete stuff from your memory.

Flowers In The Attic
This is a watered down gutted story based on an insanely popular book from the 1970s that has everything, rich people, dead mice, wicked grandparents, mentally unstable parents, incest, sickly children, an attic! All these things sound like a great movie right? well no, they aren't, they aren't because almost all of those things are not in the movie, it was ment to be the opener to a movie series based on the books that followed flowers in the attic, but instead, it got watered down pile of shit with an ending that never happened anywhere in the book or the 13 or so books that followed it, sure i could live with out the whole brother and sister getting Ozarks Mountain Valley on each other, if you can all that living I guess, but to completely bullshit the ending by making it up yourself? Weak. So weak Dustin Diamond could beat it up..... 90s style.

Crank
Absolutely nothing like the Saw movies. Contrary to what one person who claimed to know more about movies then me states.

Orca
This movie is very important, it teaches us that killer whales are not only smart enough to understand the concept of revenge and act on it, but also are aware of the concept of cold blooded murder in the name of vengeance. Plus, Orca could totally kill Jaws in a fight.

Devil Girl From Mars
A really hot dominatrix from Mars arrives in a small town with this refrigerator she calls a robot bodyguard. After she and the refrigerator of war thwart the local law enforcement officers with their silly earth guns, she explains why she's come to earth in the first place, because you know, saying BEFORE owning the entire town didn't cross her mind, anyway, she's come to earth to collect herself a stable of viral young earth men for having sexy times with, to this news, ofcourse the men of the town rise up against her, because apparently none of them wanted to be used for their body and live in luxury on mars with a hot chick, because, you know, staying in 1950s America where women wouldn't even kiss until the 4th date was so much more exciting then that. 1950s Americans were morons.

Soylent Green
Apparently, its people. Who knew?

The Money Pit
Tom Hanks apparently doesn't question why this amazingly large house him and his wife buy starts to fall apart right after he buys it, he also apparently has no idea of buyers rights when it comes to real estate, and at one point, he's dissed by the Carebears for it.

Baby Love
Linda Hayden is the 15 year old daughter of a hooker who was murdered, she decides to get revenge by sleeping with her boyfriend, his son and his wife, then destroying their lives, either by telling them all or with herpes, I really can't remember, but she doesn't stop there, she basically sluts around Londontown for the rest of the movie having sex with various people, including the must talked about "movie theater scene" where she lets this creepy old man molest her while they're watching a movie. Yeah, gotta love 1960s Sexploitation.

Elvira's Haunted Hills
Two hours of Cassandra Peterson's alter ego, the rip off of Maila Nurmi's Vampira known as Elvira Mistress of The Dark, doing witchcraft and making big tit jokes in the setting of a basic B-movie spoof plot. Sure its crap, but its awesome crap, mostly because Cassandra is awesome.

Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie
Yeah, its ok, most people forgot this horrible fad long before the movie came out, even more forgot it after the movie faded into obscurity. Until I just reminded every child of the 1980s about them again.... I know, I fail.

Teenagers From Outerspace
I kid you not, they actually say this line, "We're Teenagers from Uranus, we've come here seeking hepcats and groovey chicks to teach us how to swing". God I love the 1950s...

The Wizard
Teenage Fred and Ben Savage travel the country playing video games in a 90 minute nintendo add, and play Super Mario Bros. 3 4 months before its even out in stores. I always wondered about the plotholes in this movie, how did a kid get a powerglove before they were in stores, how did another one get a powerpad before it was in stores, and also, how did they all know how to play Super Mario Bros. 3 when, at the time, it was the biggest kept secret in video games. Oh right, advertising.

Ok thats enough for now


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Laz